I’m writing this more for my benefit than anyone else’s. But since people sometimes supposedly actually read my shit I think I should post whatever trash I actually write down here. Usually I write a draft in Google Docs and then post it here, but this thing is being written right here. At the very least it should serve as sort of an outline for what the reader can expect of me in the future and at the most it should shine some light on what is actually going on in my (I’m guessing) immensely flawed mind. Maybe a snapshot into how a supposed writer actually writes? A disjointed method to the madness? Let’s get into it, shall we?
I’m about sick of my Apex story. It’s not that I’m sick of it, I guess, it’s that it doesn’t work as an outlet for me. I began work on my Apex novel (a place I used to work) because it had the most stuff written so it was mostly piecing things together, formatting, proofreading, and making sure it all makes sense together. I’ve constantly said that it lacks an actual cohesive plot so I’ve also been trying to do that as I post chapters on this blog. As you can imagine, much of this is “grunt work” where I’m not actually writing what is on my mind. While I do write a few new chapters here and there as I’m inspired, the Apex story is mostly a chore in memory recollection and piecing things together that are already written: there isn’t much creativity going on. There isn’t any outlet.
Other writers should know this well; when you start writing, ideas, feelings, and connections blossom out of nowhere within you and you find yourself spewing out deep and disturbing things nearly constantly. It’s almost like you have to write daily just to clear your mind. Given this, I need to get these things out while the Apex novel doesn’t allow for it. The shitty Apex stories don’t give me an outlet to self-expression, and isn’t that what writing is all about in the first place? A way to express yourself to others?
I’ve found myself with a few ideas floating around in my head that make little to no sense which I’m tempted to pursue at the expense of actually finishing the Apex novel, at least in the near future. I really don’t care either. It’ll get done when it gets done and I’m okay with this as I’ve realized that writing is much more complicated than I expected. Writing seems to be a reflection of the person and people are complex as hell, especially when you don’t even understand yourself. It’s no surprise that I have about four or five ideas going on where I’m just spewing stuff out of my mind with no cohesiveness at all. It’s messy. And it’s scary to be honest.
There’s idea for an Apex sequel that involves my current job at UPS. This “novel” is meant to be much more direct, focused, and mature than the disjointed Apex one, and I’ve already been throwing around a few chapters for it with the ending being especially fleshed out. There are a few issues to be worked out, namely figuring out names that both hint towards and obscure the real inspirations behind the people in the story (also I still work with these people. It’s hard to write stories about people who you see almost daily, especially if you shit on them in your story!), but the ideas are there and I’m tempted to put pen-to-paper about it, or finger-to-keyboard because it’s 2019. I also expect it to be really fucking dark.
A few weeks ago I came upon the idea of writing imaginary letters to people from my past. You know, people that you want to say something to that you either can’t or are socially-bound to not contact. I’m talking ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, people who you’ve fallen out of contact with, or even people who you’ve wanted to say something to and never got the balls to say it. A list of things unsaid. A sort of tribute to people everywhere wearing masks and never saying what they actually want to say until it’s too late when they can’t actually say it. Lately I’ve been feeling really raw emotionally and like I want to set things straight with people in my past. I’m still debating whether this is a totally cringy and terrible idea (which it seems to be) or if it’s a genuinely good idea. We’ll see I guess.
Lastly is this idea for…whatever the hell it is. I’ve been fascinated with the film Eraserhead for supposedly being a batshit insane film from auteur David Lynch. Despite my best efforts I haven’t been able to watch it which upsets me greatly. Even though I haven’t seen it, I’ve listened to the soundtrack, read the Wikipedia page on it, and have seen Lynch’s influence in David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. Even though I haven’t actually seen it I sort of understand what it is: a dark, creepy film without a clear plot or theme that just plops up random scene after scene leaving things to your subconscious to piece together. Real creepy music and imagery. Some out of left field total bullshit.
And I’d like to write a novel like that. Like just get my mind in a certain mindset and just write and let things happen. Let a story develop or totally disregard a story. To just write whatever happens to appear in my mind. To take a snapshot of whatever is going on upstairs and get it out there, a sort of photo album of my current mental state over the next year or so. Just writing total bullshit and gluing it together and seeing what actually happens. I don’t even know what a finished product like this would look like.
To close, the Apex novel is not cutting it in terms of self expression; other works seem like they would give me more of an outlet to my current fucked up mental state. I got the UPS novel: a cohesive and dark novel with an actual story. I got the stupidly-titled Unwritten Letters novel which is just a collection of emo rambling about my past life and sounds like it’s a terrible idea. And there’s the Who-The-Fuck-Knows story that is me trying to make a David Lynch movie (which I’ve never actually seen) in book form where I let my subconscious unguided writings write the story.
Look, if anyone has any feedback let me know. Because as you can probably tell I have zero damn idea for what I’m trying to do anyways. Literally any feedback is better than no feedback so let me know what you think.