Search for The Truth

My submission for some Wattpad contest.

At least I can give some background behind this mess of story here. Wattpad sent me a message about some 500-word contest for something called Home Before Dark. Luckily, I have no idea what it is even after writing my submission. The challenge was to…well, I’ll just post the message itself:

We’re reaching out to you because we’ve just launched a writing contest with AppleTV+, and we thought you might want to enter! Wattpad has teamed up with AppleTV+ and Home Before Dark to bring you an exciting writing challenge that encourages you to share your truth with the world! Just create a 500-word letter about a time you stood up for the truth for your chance to win a Mystery prize pack!

This was like a week ago. 500 words is nothing — about five measly paragraphs — and I had no fucking clue if I wanted to even try writing a submission. I suck at stories, especially stories with a purpose and a theme, so I’m about 99.5% sure I’m not going to win. But why the hell not write something? After about 25 minutes of writing and editing it down below 500 words I ended up with this story. Enjoy!

The world blurred and my thoughts shifted without any conscious effort on my part. They flowed like a river, in one shape initially, a memory of something fond, into the next shape, a hideous and malformed entity of the past. Fond memories naturally hold negative aspects. Loss. Regret. The ever marching force of time. Change built into the nature of the universe. What is real? What is true? What can you hold onto when everything shifts and morphs? Even the most sluggish river still flows and changes with time.

It was the drugs to be sure, a strange concoction of whatever I could find hours ago. It seemed like a good idea at the time, like everything usually does, but now there was regret. But still the regret flowed into other forms — my past self had decided this was the best place for my future self to be — and wasn’t there something I was seeking? The shadow of introspection and self-discovery hours ago loomed over me and shifted into regret, and then back again into hope. There was something to look for, some reason, some concrete realness to myself, and maybe I could find it

Bad vibes swirled around me, torrents of a bleak river grabbing my thoughts, thoughts of safety and fixedness and concreteness, and wrecked them. Anything I could find to grasp was ripped away from me before I could take solace. Nothing was fixed, nothing was firm, and everything was framed by mindset.

Then the crux of the problem finally reared its head: Was I even real? What did ‘real’ even mean? Real. Reeling away from reality, but there it was, staring me in my twisted and drugged up mind. And if reality was this question, that of even being real, what did that mean?

The thoughts drifted again without any power from myself and I realized the question was pointless to begin with. What we experience is real. If a person thinks they’re losing their mind: that’s their reality. That’s their truth. The outside truth of someone else — that they’re crazy — is not the Truth of the suffering person. A billion truths, maybe more, all swirling around and changing in every conscious being in the universe. A multiverse within a multiverse, a billion worlds, all unable to be explored by being self-contained. Beauty. Glory. Sadness. Regret.

My universe is chaos. An inability to hold onto thoughts, to form them, in the torrent of the river of time. I don’t even know why I do what I do. I have no idea why I write what I write. Adrift in the sea, river, ocean, air, whatever you’d like. A thought appears and I have no control over it. Where did that come from? And why did I take a ton of drugs? I’m a robot controlled by a program I didn’t even make. These thoughts aren’t my own; there are no thoughts to take ownership of. And…and now what? Now what?

Check out my Instagram where I post pointless artistic pics every whenever I get around to it.

Or my other blog Everything Sucks where I blog about random topics.

Or Wattpad where I have a Morrowind fanfic ongoing.

Or my Facebook page where I don’t do much of anything at all.

A Morrowind Fanfic?

Note: I posted this before actually publishing anything on Wattpad. Here’s the link to the story.

When I first tried to seriously write fiction, I did so on Wattpad. That didn’t work too well for a few reasons. Firstly, I think I just didn’t have the motivation to consistently post; you guys might realize this from my amazing inconsistency posting here, but you can get away with that on your own blog/website. From what I’ve read Wattpad requires constant and regular updating to keep your fans coming back for more. Secondly, Wattpad seems to be highly biased towards fanfiction stories, which mine were totally not. And lastly, Wattpad, being a seperate site, was hard to “market” to people. My Facebook network and friends didn’t seem to give two shits about finding a link and reading my stories. It just didn’t work out.

I should say I’ve never been a fan of fanfics either. I’ve never read anything from the genre, but the idea of them seemed to put me off. I guess I’m prejudiced for some reason. I love originality in the arts, and basing your story off a universe that was already created by someone seemed like a cheap and lazy thing to do. Obviously when I think of it now I do see there has to be some creativeness going on; even if the stories do take place in an already-created universe, the plot, characters, and everything else must be created by you. I also think fanfics in general have a laughable quality to them. Like for every good fanfic there is 99 laughable and poorly-written ones. It just doesn’t seem like a bastion of professionalism in my mind. There is also the issue with you only bagging fans that are already fans of whatever type of fanfic you’re writing: you write a Harry Potter fanfic no one will read it that isn’t interested in Harry Potter.

But obviously my mind has changed because I’m writing this.

I started playing The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind a few months ago because a friend was also playing the game. It wouldn’t hurt to also start a game, right? We’d talk about our in-game adventures and started joking about a certain character she was playing as, who she described as “chaotic neutral.” Her character, named Pip, didn’t actually give a shit about saving the world: Pip did whatever the fuck Pip wanted to do. And for some reason the idea of a fanfic was joked about.

It was one of those ideas that both sounded like a great idea to do, but also like a terribly dumb idea. The more I thought about it, the funner it seemed to try, but seriously thinking about it would lead me to second-guessing. Making a fanfic would be wasted time, right? Totally pointless, right? No one gets famous or published from writing fanfics, right?

I was also reading a shitton of Hunter S. Thompson around this time.

So drunk one night I came up with this gem of an idea: a reporter from the mainland in the Elder Scroll’s universe would “transfer” to the province of Morrowind to cover “news stories” or some shit. He’d roam the land and report back on the local religion, news stories, bandits, and whatever else he came across. He’d be a smart-ass and drink and be skeptical of everything. Basically like Hunter S. Thompson but in fucking Morrowind. See? It sounds dumb as hell, but at least kind of a unique idea. Over time I realized this guy could stumble upon chaotic-neutral Pip attempting to save the world while constantly being distracted and, well, it sounds fun.

Around the New Year I decided, “Why the hell not?” I could YOLO hail-mary a fanfic story on Wattpad and see what happened. As stated, the more I think about it, the funner it sounds to try. It sounds exactly like what I need to do currently. It being a fanfic, I don’t think I need to feel like I’m writing a masterpiece. I can have fun with it. I can post once a week which will give me a little project to tackle on the weekend. I don’t have to worry about all the worldbuilding bullshit that I’m too terrible and lazy at: the world is already made for me! And for a video game I love, I can really sink myself into the world creatively.

So that’s going to be my new project and I’ll plop a link somewhere when I get my shit together. I hope to continue the two stories I’ve already been working on here, but those are hard to make progress on.