“Do you morons need some help over here?” I asked as Joe Tuna, Bad Austin, and Mario were unloading a can.
“Sure,” said Joe Tuna.
“Yeah we could use the help,” said Mario.
“Yeah, get in the fucking can and help us ya fucking lazy faggot, unless you got dicks to suck somewhere,” said Bad Austin.
I started helping them. They were unloading one of the tiny DQF cans that were loaded into the lower deck of the aircraft. I had just finished unloading the exact same cans from the airplane and it was time to unload the damn things again by placing their contents into the ever present gaylords. Once again Apex was never the pinnacle of efficiency, pun totally intended.
Apparently the discussion at hand was about video game consoles, namely the question of which one was superior: the PlayStation 4 or the XBox One? (I’m abbreviating them Ps4 and Xbone as is popular convention.) This was 2016 so Nintendo was still fucking around with their Wii U-inspired trainwreck; the Switch wasn’t around to save Nintendo’s ass with the likes of Mario Odyssey and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. We knew nothing of the upcoming video game greatness led by the release of two of the objectively best games ever created. So while Nintendo was fucking around PlayStation and Microsoft were having a deathmatch between their consoles. Ps4 vs. Xbone. What team were you on?
“What do you play on, James?” Tuna asked me.
“I have a PS4. I got it used from this guy I know. I think he sold it to me for $200. He also gave me a few shitty games with it along with two controllers.” I shrugged. “I sold a few of them on Amazon for like $20. Effectively I paid $180 it if you look at it that way.”
Tuna looked over at Bad Austin. “See? Even James has a PS4. James is a smart guy too, he knows trigonometry and chemistry. Even some physics. Just admit you’re wrong.”
“Man. Fuck you Joe. Everyone who isn’t a retard knows that Xbone is the best goddamn console ever. Y’all fucking dumbys.”
Mario spoke up now. “Austin. No. Everyone we ask says the Ps4 is the best console. Like 90% of everyone here games on a Ps4. Why can’t you just admit it? You fucked up. You got the Microsoft piece-of-shit because your dumb friends talked you into it. It has no games, no exclusives, and the hardware is inferior.”
“Guys, are we just going to ignore the fact Austin just said the word ‘dumby?’” I asked. Everyone ignored me.
“Fuck y’all. Denial-ass motherfuckers,” He replied.
I said, “The Ps4 has Bloodborne too. You can’t fuck with that game. It’s a masterpiece of subtle Lovecraftian horror that goes off the rails at the end. Like it starts off slow and kinda boring but then aliens and The Old Ones show the fuck up and nothing makes sense. Like when the game ends you have no clue what actually occurred. It’s amazing. Have you played it?”
“Nah bro. It sounds dumb. Fuckin’ aliens? Bulllshit.”
“It’s by the people who made Dark Souls. Have you played that game?”
“Dark Souls? Man fuck that game. I made it to the first boss and he whooped my ass like I whoop my girls ass when she talks back to me. I be like ‘Hey! Bitch! Make me a goddamn sandwich,’ and she be like, ‘Naw,’ and I be like,” Austin made a slapping motion with his hand, “‘Bammm bitch! Know your goddamn place.'”
“Austin, you are a fucking idiot aren’t you? And a casul apparently.” Mario added with a laugh.
“Fuck you Mario. At least I ain’t named after a shitty Nintendo game.” Austin, in the best Mario impression that he could muster (which wasn’t very good) said, “It’sa me!…a lame-ass a bitcha!”
“Fuck you Austin.”
About that time Good Austin walked by toting his ever present can of Monster. Joe asked him the question as well: Ps4 or Xbone?
Good Austin took a contemplative drink of his heavily caffeinated drink and said, “Well, I only play on PC actually…” We all interrupted him with a collective groan.
“Oh okay…he’s one of those guys, huh?” I asked aloud.
Mario agreed. “Yup. PC master race. Am I right Good Austin? 60 frames per second minimum, right?” Good Austin nodded.
“Why y’all fags call him Good Austin? The fuck? I’m just as good as that mother fucker is. We’re both Good Austins. Should just call me Best Austin or something.”
Joe tried to clarify what we were getting at while we collectively ignored Bad Austin. “Okay, Good Austin. If you had to pick one console between those two, what would it be?”
“Oh, the PS4 totally. Xbone is shit. I mean what do they have that PS4 doesn’t? Fucking Halo?” He laughed while Bad Austin scowled. “Halo has been shit since Halo 3. Microsoft doesn’t have shit on Sony. And they both have every Cowadooty-style first-person shooters so it isn’t even a contest.”
Bad Austin mumbled under his breath, “Fucking retard faggots. Fuck you guys,” and started unloading packages again.
Good Austin then asked “Austin, have you played Bloodborne? I heard it’s a really good game that’s a Ps4 exclusive. It’s from the devs of Dark Souls.”
Bad Austin whipped a packaged right at Good Austin’s face which was promptly slapped away as if it was an offending mosquito. There was the sound of muffled glass shattering as the package hit the ground. Bad Austin then screamed, “NO I HAVENT PLAYED MOTHER FUCKING GODDAMN BLOOD-WHATEVER AND DARK SOULS WAS TOO GODDAMN HARD FOR ME ALRIGHT YA FUCKERS?! I BROKE MY GODDAMN CONTROLLER FROM THROWING IT. I’M OUT.” He got out of the can he was unloading. “Fuck you, and you, and you, and especially you ya fucking faggot,” he said as he pointed individually at each of us. “I’m gonna go home and play some COD with my bois like a real man. F.P.S. First. Person. Shooters. Not like you babies with your anime bullshit JRPGs or other faggot bloody games circle-jerkin’ each other.” He stormed off shouting obscenities until we couldn’t hear him anymore.
“Something is wrong with that guy,” said Joe.
“Yeah. He needs to relax,” said Mario.
“That dude needs some Xanax,” I said.
Good Austin summed it up even better. “All he needed to do was find the zweihander in the cemetery. The legit most OP weapon in the game is right fucking there. Right outside Firelink shrine. Man I love Dark Souls. Best weapon in the game…right under your nose the entire time.”
theblackhairedguy 